I spent the next 6 months getting back into high school, going back to church, getting a job, and generally trying to get my life in order. But I just wasn’t fit for society at this point. I was doing well in classes, but I couldn’t abide by the rules. I was involved with the church and its youth group, but I kept trying to sleep with the girls there. I was working with a psychologist, but I was abusing my medications.
My parents decided I should start seeing a Christian counselor. Problem being he was more of an exorcist. He provided me with books and materials talking about demon possession and how all of society is riddled with it. My problem wasn’t being a bad person, I was just possessed. It was the devil’s fault. Finally, I could blame something else again!!! I’ve since researched the books he had me reading and found they were written by delusional people with fictitious stories. One being a doctor who has since lost their license for treating patients with unnecessary drugs and attempting exorcisms. Even christian societies have found the literature to be false. I’ve found many other falsehoods as the years go by. But being the ignorant teen I was willing to believe anything that would help.
Now I’m having visions, and there are demons conversing in my head. On top of that, I started huffing butane again so I could get high without failing drug tests. I would hallucinate so badly I walked into the living room, can in my hand, with my parents home. The things I saw I still do not understand, but I had opened a door for sure. Everything I was taught was fear based, so everything I saw was demons or the devil out to get me.
In one vision I was sitting crosslegged in front of myself, naked, yet covered in tiny black hairs all over. There was nothing but flames surrounding me and I heard a voice say, “You have been dubbed demon by all.”
In another, I was sitting in my bed taking a pull off my butane can. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain on my right big toe. A spurt of blood shot out of the toe. Scared, I checked my toe and nothing seemed out of place. There was no more pain and no hole or anything. I sat back in the bed and felt a fingernail brush against my ear. I looked behind me but I couldn’t see anything. So I sat back again, but this time something inside told me to just relax and go with it. I felt the same fingernail on my ear, and then a female voice with a snake like rasp whisper, “Listen to the music.” I began hearing a chant saying something like love the blood. Then blood began pouring like syrup from above down onto my legs. it swirled its way up my body and onto my head. I felt the fingernail swirling the blood on the top of my head. I finally relaxed as I was freaking out by this point. Then the blood surrounded my field of vision and formed a pentagram at the base. Inside this border of blood was a vision of a throne room with two angels on either side and a demon looking creature in the throne. My vision shook and something growled, “To the ultimate knowledge.” Now the vision was gone, but the pentagram remained glowing white and gold on the far end of the bed. It was being projected from behind me as a beam of light. Something told me to put my mark on it, so I started to get out up from the bed and move closer to it. When I moved to the edge of the bed, the beam of light began burning the top of my head and I fell to the floor. At this point my mother came to the door and asked if I was okay. When I opened the door she looked like a corpse with dried sunken skin. I did my best to maintain and pretend like everything was okay, but she could tell something was bothering me. I finally managed to get her to leave, but that was end of the visions that night.
During all of this, I’m dealing with typical teenage issues, school issues, girlfriend issues and not to mention the pending legal issues awaiting me in trial. I was writing dark poetry including ideas of killing my parents and my girlfriends parents to run away together. I had discussed the idea of killing myself with the school counselor since I knew I wouldn’t be likely to survive in prison. This all culminated into another involuntary incarceration in Charter hospital.
The doctors were glad to see me because they had all new medications to try. They could cure me of this demonic possession through modern chemistry. Issue being the medications were causing more hallucinations. To top it off, other people in the institution were claiming to see the very things I saw. The doctors considered it mass hysteria and isolated me from the other patients.
I quickly saw that telling the truth was going to lead me to an extended stay at the institution if not worse. Besides that, I had met some cute girls that just got out. So I did and said what I had to in order to get released. Once released, I went to find a can of butane and the girls. One of the girls wasn’t interested any longer, but her sister was. So we met up and went to the movies to see Interview With A Vampire. Excellent movie for a depressed psychopath huffing gas. I remember trying to bite into her neck that night, and then I wondered why she didn’t want to see me anymore.
I was so depressed that night, I decided to go home and pop a few extra pills the doctors had prescribed. What I hadn’t realized was the medication was so potent. A couple extra pills was a lethal dose. I was trying to sleep that night, and a black shadow with silver eyes came to my bed and was face to face breathing on me. I jumped out of the bed and ran for the living room. My mother was home and I told her what I had seen. She told me to lay down on the couch and call to her if anything happened. I finally managed to fall asleep.
As soon as I woke up a nurse came to my bed and began pulling tubes out my nether regions. That was an eye opening experience. When they pulled the tube from my throat, I saw my mother and managed to mouth the words, “What happened?” She informed me that I had overdosed and had been in a coma for a couple days. It hadn’t really hit me until writing this how seeing another child in a coma must have affected her. She later told me how she couldn’t sleep at night anyway for fear of me killing her in her sleep. But these were the realities I would have to face if I was ever to recover.
I told the doctors I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just wanted to go to sleep. They weren’t convinced and I was back in Charter hospital as soon as I was able. I spent my eighteenth birthday there, made some new friends, and got a new girlfriend. Nothing changes if nothing changes. She was released, and I did what I had to in order to get out shortly after. Things didn’t work out, but I had an unhealthy obsession with her that lasted for years. Fortunately for her, my adventures were now leading to a boot camp prison that would lock me away for another 3 months after the court case was done. It was either that or 12 years in regular prison. Either way, I was now a convicted felon.
To be continued…
Evolving Psychosis 