The thought came to me this morning, that it’s difficult to have compassion for others when you feel so little. I mean, I’m not a sociopath or anything, but I’ve questioned it from time to time. I have bouts or spurts of emotion here and there, where there is a release of tears or a moment of awe, but never anything lasting. Being full-throttle for as long as I was, I’m fearful of and hesitant to allow anything to flow through the dam I was forced to build. Yet little by little, I’m learning to open the channel in a controlled release.
It became pretty apparent this morning as I was finishing up my meditation and daily reading. There was a message from my mother in the reading that caught me off guard, and I began to tear up and think of her. As the feelings began to flow, my thoughts shifted to how I’ve not been thinking of anyone but myself, except for my own family, and even then, mostly my children. That can be emotionally taxing in itself, but I miss working with people in recovery and seeing their lives change, what they are suffering through, and watching them recover. It puts things in perspective. What I’m going through may be difficult, but the circumstances of my life are anything but bad.
It also brought back memories of the feelings of loneliness and destitution I felt, when I was drowning in the bottle, or in the throes of depression. I thought about how much worse things would be right now, if I wasn’t living the life I am today. The saying came to mind, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” We are all experiencing a great deal of pain these days, and many of us have been forced to suffer through it in isolation. I’ve been very fortunate in that regard, having the people in my life surrounding me as they have. Yet I have also suffered the feeling of loss, being isolated from all those I was once so close to. Admittedly, a lot of that has been due to my own lack of ability to maintain communication.
I’ve done my best to make the most of this time, focusing on improving myself and really taking an honest look at my life and my actions. This is not an easy or comfortable process, and the lack of outside distraction means there aren’t many intermissions. I’m grateful for the opportunity though, as so many out there are just struggling to survive as I once was. All the more reason to maintain focus, strengthen resolve, and trudge down this path chosen. If not for my own sake, for the sake of those who may be watching. To provide them with an ounce of hope, that they too might find their way.
I felt a great deal of discomfort this morning, even after my meditation. The old fear came back that what I’m doing is wrong, and that I will fail and fall back into the old life. The reading changed that for me, and gave me the message of hope and choice. I feared that my mother was silently judging me from beyond the veil for my choices in belief and action. Yet this reading made it clear that although she didn’t agree with my methods, she is beyond proud of all that I have accomplished and gone through, and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Evolving Psychosis 