What is this thing that lay at the heart of our fears? We may attempt to project it onto any number of people, places or things, but does it not begin and end within ourselves? If we could put a face to this mysterious phantom, would this answer the question of fear?
Searching deep within, I begin to find what I’ve been searching for all along. Yet in doing this, I must also face what I’ve been avoiding. What I truly fear is what I might become. What I’m truly capable of when pushed to the brink. Every demon, sinister figure, even death itself, pales in comparison to what I see. It feels as though every horror on this earth is simply a manifestation of what lies within the human mind. The atrocities of which we are all capable. For every light there is an equal and opposite darkness. The truth of what we are, being a balance somewhere in between.
We can try all we might, to cast this “demon” out to the coldness of a mountain top, or the depths of an abyss, but it is never beyond us, and will always find a way. Through acceptance of this fact, we begin to find the wholeness of our being. No more closets to hide in, no more shadows to cloak our true nature. Through humility we find the truth of who we really are, and with that knowledge we can aim to transform ourselves into something greater.
I am but a man, full of darkness and light, love and hate, both beautiful and grotesque, and any number of shades in between. The trick is not to live with one or the other, but adjust the fulcrum in between. Ever sliding and balancing the scales towards a more acceptable middle of the road. Seeking through the darkness within on the search for the divine light. Fear and faith coexisting, swinging back and forth, with courage being the fulcrum.
I stand at the precipice of my own cold and dark mountain, incorporating the shadow of what I used to be. Knowing I am not the boy I once was, and finding the courage to face my fears. In this I hope to find true faith and strength that can withstand the ages. To let go of the boy who cowered in fear at the darkness of this world, and find the light that burns within and illuminates the path for myself and all those that follow.
I don’t claim to have the answers. I merely report my experiences along the way. What works, what does not, all subjective to my own path in this life. My hope being that those who find these words can make use of what they may offer.
Evolving Psychosis 