It’s been 22 years now since I began this unexpected journey in recovery. It’s been a hell of a ride, with all its ups and downs, but I can’t imagine ever wanting to go back to the life I led. I’m still a flawed individual, no doubt there, but compared to who I was, I’ve been reborn. It was a slow death, and a grueling birth, but somehow I survived and came into the life I now live.
On March 8th of 2000, I slipped into the fog of delirium tremens for the last time. I was given medications and a safe space to shake and sweat it out. I had nothing left but the undying love of my parents, and even they were skeptical at best. How could they be anything else? I had no faith, no hope, and was out of ideas. I held strong to the belief that this world would best be rid of me, but I was too much of a coward to finish the slow suicide I’d been committing for over a decade.
I left Greensboro and came to Charlotte to stay with my family. I went to my first meeting, with my head low, and no fight left in me. There I met a man, just as flawed as I, who had found a way out that he wished to share with me. I politely listened, but knew that it would be a waste of his time, as I was hopeless. He continued, and since I didn’t have anyone else to talk to, I went along with it. He introduced me to others in the fellowship and started me on the journey that, unbeknownst to me, would transform my life in ways I couldn’t even imagine.
I will be forever grateful to that man. Not only for the way of life he showed me, but also the lessons learned from his relapse and subsequent death. He showed me how it’s done, and then the certain consequences of not doing so. Live or die, we serve as an example to others and serve a purpose beyond our comprehension.
That seems like a lifetime ago. I’ve been many people, and experienced many ways of life, as I’ve sought to find my way in this world. There have been many successes, and many failures. The constant among these has been that of service and carrying a message of hope to those who might want it. I’ve been given the freedom to go anywhere and do anything, provided I walk a spiritual path and give freely to those who still suffer. “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”
A few years ago I began creating this site as a means of documenting my personal journey, not only for myself, but for those that may need it. It may serve only as a journal of my recovery and my passage of self-discovery. It could also become a lifeline to at least one lost soul struggling to find their way. We never know how deeply we affect others with every action we take.
We are not powerless over our lives, we simply lack control of the results. So I continue to live life to the best of my ability seeking divine guidance in all things. I’m grateful for all those that came before me, and I hope that I may shed some light for those yet to come.
Evolving Psychosis 