Allow me a moment of release, as I allow this darker piece of myself to have its moment in the sun.
I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to get out into the world and find my place in it. Now I constantly attempt to avoid the world, or at least the people in it. I want to experience all that this life has to offer, but don’t want it tainted or infected by others. I often wondered how the old curmudgeons of the world came to be, and I find myself coming closer and closer to that end. I don’t think that the people of the world have changed so much as my perspective of them. The selfish and parasitical portions of human nature do seem to be on the rise, but maybe I’m just more aware of what was always there, or perhaps it’s just my subconscious projection of my own nature and behavior. Suffice to say, I don’t like people in general, and I suppose I never have. I’ve struggled in liking myself just the same.
I find peace in surroundings where I can let go of all attachment and just be still in the moment. No sense of urgency, nothing to be done, nowhere to be, immersing myself in the now. But the stillness gets lost in the hustle and bustle of daily life. Even the places of peace and tranquility are now overrun with the plague of humanity seeking to claim it for its own. We consume and suck the life out of everything we touch, and I’m very much aware that I’m included in this assessment. I do my best to be aware of and remedy that, but I feel it is simply a part of our nature, something we cannot fully escape.
I see the reasoning behind certain beliefs in gnosticism and buddhism, where asceticism is the order of the day. The desires of this world being the cause of all suffering and the cause of all evil. Yet I realize that this is but a half-truth. Some say we are in this world to experience it, not for any specific purpose or final destination, but simply to process and record the happenings of a lifetime and report back once our time is up. That we are but one piece of the all, who broke itself apart in order that it might fit itself into this world. Yet we often seek to escape this world and return from which we came.
There are beautiful things to experience in this world. There are also those rare and beautiful people. We come and go from each other’s lives, and those that were once awe-inspiring can become something we despise over a long enough timeline, and vice versa. Given the evanescence of interpersonal relationships, I long for something of permanence. Something that cannot be taken away and will never leave. Something I’ll never tire and seek to be free of. At the same time, I realize that it is the impermanence that makes these relationships so valuable. Yet the pains of separation create a hesitancy to fully immerse yourself with anyone or anything.
I suppose it is attachment that is the cause of misery. Moving back to our seemingly inescapable nature. We latch on to things that bring us joy and comfort, laying claim and attempting to control. When the comfort is gone, we squeeze for more, creating a downward pressure where only fear and resentment can survive. To experience and enjoy something for what it is and then let it go is no easy feat. The flower will die, but taking it as your own is a swifter death than anything nature had intended.